Job #4 – Coffee Bitch

I’ve decided to become more proactive in my job search and consequently I came up with an idea for a specialized enterprise. The following letter is addressed to a chief executive officer who will remain anonymous. Hopefully he responds favorably to my inquiry. Wish me luck…


Dear (CEO),

Instead of hiring a bevy of incompetent interns with the sole intention of having them fetch you coffee, you can instead hire our team of trained professional coffee bitches.

Not only will our staff put up with your condescending remarks, but we will ensure that your entire office is wired without burdening you with questions regarding the functionality of your copy machine.

If a double ristretto triple venti nonfat organic cinnamon dolche latte chocolate brownie frapuccino extra hot foam whipped double cream upside down triple blend I’m a pretentious dickwad is your beverage of choice, we will make it happen. And don’t forget the lemon loaf.

It is most certain that the costs of hiring a paid intern (both in time spent training him/her and in salary) are far more than the costs of hiring our team of professional coffee bitches to drop by once or twice a day.

Thanking you in advance for your consideration,

Unemployed Guy



4 responses to “Job #4 – Coffee Bitch

  • Alan


    Let me begin by saying what a joy it is to read this new website. Here’s why. I remember what it was like to be searching for employment when I was finishing the year I went to community college. It is a great joy to read these very creative and funny ideas for jobs.

    I do have to say that you may have gone too far by emailing that particular company. Let me tell you why. The world is a very small location and you never know. There may be a day where you may wind up interviewing at that company. I can picture you applying for a job in their public relations department as a writer for some of their large ad campaigns. There is the chance that someone in their human resource department happens to come across the letter you sent for this humorous and outstanding piece.

    You never know what can happen on this small planet of ours. It is not my purpose to make you angry. And I hope that you don’t get angry. I just felt motivated to give you some advice. Keep up the very good work sir. If you have any questions you can email me directly at the email address that I provided when I registered for your website.

    Thank you and keep up the outstanding work.


    • Tom


      Let me begin by saying what a joy it is hear from you. Here’s why. It is reassuring to have a mentor of sorts – a guy who remembers what it was like to be in my position back in college.

      In regards to the letter I’ve shared with my audience, it probably will not come back to haunt me. Let me tell you why. Though the world may be small, it is not small enough to affect me here. He does not work in a field of interest. This particular CEO is not involved with any sort of meat boning or staving off cheetahs.

      You never know what can happen on this planet of ours and I appreciate your concern for my well being. I will be sure to let you and all of the fine readers of this blog know if and when he replies to my inquiry.

      Thank you and keep up the outstanding remarks.


      • Alan


        It is truly an honor that you would consider me as a mentor sir. I am also glad that you were not angry with me for sharing my opinion about the world being small. My wife always tells me I worry too much and I was hoping this wasn’t one of those times hahaha.

        You never know who will be reading, that’s one of the ways the world is small.

        You are probably right that the letter won’t come back to haunt you. I look forward to seeing if there is a response from that company.

        Keep up the fine work and I will gladly continue to share my feedback to assist you with this fine website.


  • Discovery Channel: We’re Gonna Die! « What Am I Going To Do After College?

    […] that could be a real paying job. I’ve always been creative and innovative, as evidenced by my Coffee Bitch service proposal. In the theme of DC’s series, I could propose something like, […]

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