Job #6 – Lifelong College Student

The objective here is simple: Find a damn job.

Yet, I keep filling out forms that list “student” as an occupation. So, either I’m being constantly deceived or I actually have had a job for years and live in oblivion.

Assuming the latter is true, I did some research and found a couple of excellent job descriptions for what I do as a student:

“Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter,  for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated.”


“Copy and paste the internet.”


While those tidbits are scarily accurate depictions of the average college student and undoubtedly a better summation than I can provide, I would also add:

“Laptop in class. Facebook. Blog. Raise head when professor stops talking. Drink beer regularly. Call mom once a week to let her know I’m alive. Wikipedia.”

Being a student is a sweet job, so why give it up?

Sure, Van Wilder was eventually cut off and I know I will be too. But, maybe the answer to the question, “what am I going to do after college?” is more college. Forever!

I suppose Graduate School is the place to start. I’ve been told that Grad School is intended to prepare you for what’s next. But, along with being incredibly vague, all that sounds like is exactly the same thing I’ve been hearing throughout high school and college. Come to think of it, what isn’t intended to prepare us for what’s next? Your parents wipe your ass in hopes that one day you’ll be able to wipe their grandkids’ ass. That’s called progress.

Perhaps procrastinating on finding a so-called real job in the real world by applying to Grad School is not the ideal route, especially if my GPA is as unimpressive as my writing. So, while the rest of my mid-20 something friends are working for Google, I’ll be providing alcohol to minors. But, like anything else, it has its pros and its cons…


  • Avoid the 9-5.
  • I still won’t make any money. How many more years can I stay on the payroll?
Chick Magnet Factor:
  • Chicks dig an educated dude. If I can fool them into believing I am one, I’m set.


  • I wonder, because those who have been there say Grad School is nowhere near as much fun, nor do you feel as much attachment. Understandably so. But, is it worth doing anyway? I guess if I’m destined to be an ostrich babysitter, I might as well get on with it already.

5 responses to “Job #6 – Lifelong College Student

  • Alan

    Hello my friend. You have truly out done yourself on this occasion. Very intelligent and well written. The hilarity of describing your current situation as a job is ultra intelligent. Here’s why.

    We all enjoyed our college experience. For me it is very special. I met my wife as we shared the same commute on the city bus every day together. It wasn’t exactly love at first site. As a matter of fact it was get away from me at first site hahaha. Let me explain.

    I took quite a liking to her the first time I noticed her. She was beautiful and intelligent. My first step was to start getting on the bus three stops earlier than I usually did so i could spend more time with her. It took me two semesters, and several route changes as well, to finally talk to her. I noticed she was an aspiring writer based on what i could see over her shoulder on her laptop. So i asked her about what she was writing. She didn’t like that I was reading over her shoulder so her first reaction was almost as cold as Luke Skywalker on the planet Hoth. hahaha.

    Oh well, three weeks later we were married.

    So you see sir. College is special even for me as well. Even if it was community college.

    Well done my friend. Well done.

    • Jason


      It’s cool that you met your wife during your college experience.

      However, your comment really didn’t have a whole lot to do with this post or the intent of this site.

      I really don’t mean to be an ass, but felt it necessary to give a friendly suggestion.

      Remember, this is a humorous take on the job hunt of a college student.

      • Alan


        You should read my comment. It is very clear that I was adding my own humor with my story. There are numerous times in which I shared some funny moments.

        I have been reading this website since the beginning and I know what it is about.

        Thank you for commenting and taking your time to do so.

  • Des

    Tom, watch out for the cat-fights over absolute nonsense in the comment section of your brilliant work. They are completely irrelevant and will just make you want to bang your head on the desk. This happens to be one of those nonsense comments, having nothing to do with the actual post.

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