Job #10 – Elephant Car Wash Supervisor

The elephant car wash at the Wildlife Safari in Oregon is one of the best publicity stunts I’ve come across since starting this blog.

Cars would line up in anticipation of being blasted by elephants trained to not only spray water every which way, but also to dry up the water with sponges.

Needless to say, it didn’t work whatsoever in terms of getting the cars clean, but sales increased 28% and the entertainment value seemed to make everyone not sitting in the driver’s seat happy.

Of course, I wouldn’t be telling this story if it didn’t somehow relate to one of my crazy job explorations, so here is where things stand:

I had a meeting with my advisor the other day to ask if the University had a program for training elephants to wash cars, and I was promptly shot down. Disappointed, I decided to do a little research.

So, I visited my new favorite website, in order to learn more about my options in hopes that one day I can train the elephants and eventually even work my way up to Elephant Car Wash Supervisor.

When you click on the above link, the first thing you’ll see is a blonde woman smiling uncomfortably as a white lion makes strong advances towards her. I’m hooked already. Scroll down a little and there is a link to information about a 14-day program – a program that will “start me in that (animal trainer) direction.” Though I’m skeptical towards all programs with X amount of days, I think I’d like to give it a shot.

The goal, of course, is to learn to train elephants to spray water out of their trunks, as a necessary step towards becoming supervisor (which may or may not be the guy in the white shirt below. He’s actually probably a casualty.)

The short of it is, I need $3,000. If you would like to help send me to Animal Training School, email me at <> so we can discuss payment options. Thank you all for your help.

I’ll Take This Over A Bikini Car Wash Any Day.

Lastly, I would greatly appreciate you taking part in the following survey so that I can begin narrowing down my job search. Please pick the career you would most like to see me pursue.


19 responses to “Job #10 – Elephant Car Wash Supervisor

  • daniellery

    It was a toss up between Erection Engineer and Elephant Car Wash Supervisor. They’re both clearly dream jobs, so it was hard to pick, but Elephant Car Wash Supervisor came out on top (why do I feel like this sentence is also filled with sexual innuendos?).

    • Tom

      Probably because this blog brings out the inner 14-year old in all of us.

      Or because “came out on top” is clearly an innuendo no matter what way you spin it…

  • Alan


    Another well written piece my friend. But I am going to apologize in advance but unfortunately I am going to have to share my opinion about how wrong this is.

    I am sorry, but here’s why. I am a ASPCA Guardian and it is my responsibility to fight against the exploitation of these beautiful and wonderful creatures. I hope you do not get angry but I feel highlighting this horrible use of majestic creatures is a mistake.

    Here is another reason. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to taken away from your home where you are comfortable and all you want to do is take care of your calves, graze, and enjoy your beautiful African home? Instead you must spend your entire existence in polluted America washing cars and being pointed and laughed at.

    I hope that you do not choose this job for the reasons I listed above. I also hope this does not make you angry and I apologize if it does.

    Thank you and keep up the good writing.


    • Tom


      As always, thank you for the kind words.

      While I am sympathetic to your cause, I know that deep down you understand that this is only intended to provide humor.

      What truly concerns me is that I was counting on you to donate a hefty portion of the $3,000 – which, if you’re not on board with Animal Training School, will be most difficult to agree upon.

      So, perhaps instead we can install monthly payments for other purposes such as groceries and blog upkeep?

      I anxiously await your response.



      • Alan


        First, I am tickled pink that you are not angered by my disliking of your excellently written article. There are times that being a Guardian puts you into tough situations such as this one in which I enjoy your writing but must voice my dislike of treating beautiful elephants in this manner. Maybe you will now think twice about using animals as a source of your tomfoolery.

        I cannot contribute to your $3000 campaign. hahahahaha Let me share why.It is largely because of my train collecting hobby. Many people are surprised at how expensive this wonderful hobby really is.

        I do have an agreement that I wish to propose. Here it is. I will gladly help with your grocery payments if you consider joining me as an ASPCA Guardian! It is only 60 cents a month. Here is the webstie:

        I have been informed in the past that I can be to energetic about this passion I have for animals. So please tell me if this is to over the top. I do not want to make you angry or mad at me.

        What do you think about his most fabulous proposal?

        Your friend,


        • Tom


          I’ll cut you a deal. You give me 3 monthly payments of $100.00 for groceries and blog upkeep, and if you come through, in month four I’ll begin pitching in the 60 cents necessary to become an ASPCA guardian. Or, if you’d prefer, we could simply lower your payment to $99.40.

          What do you say?


          • Alan


            Let me begin by apologizing for not replying to your reply in a quick fashion. My wife gets mad sometimes when I spend too much time visiting my favorite blogs and sometimes I find myself on punishment hahahaha.

            I cannot accept your latest offer. Here’s why. $99.40 is still too rich for my blood my friend as it is too much money for me to spend on a monthly basis for one of my favorite author’s groceries.

            I am sorry that i cannot help as I’m sure this current position as a college student places you in a situation in which making ends meet is hard to do and money is hard to come by.

            Thank you for giving me an opportunity to share the information about the ASPCA Guardian program. I imagine that many people have signed up due to this most excellent exposure and time on your site.

            I am looking forward to another excellent edition of this site.
            Keep up the good work.

            Your friend,


  • Kortnee

    As you are already an erection engineer, I vote in favor of a job that highlights your best qualities. Writing about smelly vaginas.

  • Business Blog Writing

    All your posts are hilarious. I am sure you aren’t as clueless as you say you are! I am fresh out of college myself – graduated earlier this month.

    Good Luck!

    Btw, what happens to this blog after you’ve decided what you’d do after college? :) Just a question.

    • Tom

      I figure that once I graduate and find myself stuck at a desk for hours on end (I envision it to be much like “The Office” or “Office Space”) I’ll be even more enticed to pretend I’m unemployed. I can probably milk a good 3 or 4 years before people really start wondering.

      Or, perhaps I can charge college kids for mediocre advice on how to become moderately successful.

      In seriousness, as long as I enjoy writing it, I’ll figure out a way to keep doing it and to keep the title applicable – perhaps even if just offering “advice” to what would then be current college students about why they should pursue some ridiculous/obscure career.

  • Rindo

    Pop Music Ghost Writer.

    You can’t go wrong there. If it hits the charts, it’s something worth bragging about at the bar.

    If it bombs, well, it’s not your fault.

    And if it bombs so bad it becomes viral, it’ll be both something worth bragging about (preferably not at a bar, where inebriated folk might wanna have a word with you over your involvement in something like Black’s “Friday”), AND not your fault.

    Seriously though, the Elephant Car Wash Supervisor job is way cooler. As long as you don’t have to manage their mammoth turds.

    • Tom

      The cool thing is, a supervisor is above dealing with that – it’s someone else’s problem.

      With regards to Rebecca Black, I was pretty distraught when she released her latest song.

  • Deeone

    As usual, I thoroughly enjoyed this post, Tom. You really are a hilarious genius! Shall I dare suggest a career as a comedic writer of some sort? Although it’s not on the list yet, I think you’d do great at it. Whatever your choice though bud, best of luck to you. :)

  • Flooding My Inbox « What Am I Going To Do After College?

    […] Now, to kill two stones with one bird (I like hypocrisy in clichés) I am both from a place and currently live in a place where elephants don’t tend to roam freely. So, I suppose I would be forced to relocate to work in that field. But yes, the elephant car wash is for real. […]

  • Liz Hellebuyck

    I think you have done your research and would make a great elephant car wash engineer.

    Good luck to you.

  • What I’ve Learned So Far… « What Am I Going To Do After College?

    […] recent poll revealed that my fan is under the impression that I’d be a hell of a feminine care product script writer. So, I’ll do my best to make my fan proud, even though it’s kind of like being told […]

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