Author Archives: Tom

Discovery Channel: We’re Gonna Die!

In case you’re unfamiliar with Discovery Channel’s new series, “Curiosity,” the idea is that each episode focuses on answering one big convoluted question. Tonight’s episode was titled, “Alien Invasion: Are We Ready?”

Though I do believe aliens exist and though the episode was very entertaining, it was also assumptive that aliens would not only visit planet earth, but be hostile when they do. Picture “Signs” discussed by people with credentials minus crop circles and a cameo from M. Night Shyamalyn.

It was the quintessential hypothetical, but to some it was damn near certain. I know this because I read a thread on an internet message board and the people who post there are always rational. Look:

“Is it just me or is this show on discovery channel a really bad idea? If you are an alien trying to figure out how to attack and take over earth should we really be broadcasting into space how to destroy us??

I’m sure they are sitting back taking notes, anybody else think this was a really dumb idea? I’m sure they are smart enough to figure it out, but damn just seems like a no Brainer to not give them more ammo then what they need.”

Fuck! I hate when we give away secrets to evil aliens.

Well, if I choose to believe what I read (and I’ve said before, believe everything you read on the internet) then there’s really no point in getting a job. We’re all dead soon anyway.

That makes me feel better, almost like I’m a step ahead because I get to watch Spongebob all day while you fuckers are stuck in a cubicle.

More realistically though, assuming we don’t die in 2012 and assuming that aliens don’t wipe us out in the next couple of years, this episode was useful in that it helped reinforce that people can be exploited.

So, perhaps I can write a blog about a fascinating subject with broad appeal (oh, I don’t know, extraterrestrials) and claim to have insider knowledge and perspective, then put up advertisements and charge for public appearances and speaking events. But that’s hard to do. Here I am with a blog, still poor as fuck and begging for donations (click on the button to the right if you have PayPal to contribute to my ramen fund. I’m tired of eating packets of Ketchup for dinner).

Maybe it would be smarter to try and pitch ideas to networks like Discovery Channel. Perhaps that could be a real paying job. I’ve always been creative and innovative, as evidenced by my Coffee Bitch service proposal. In the theme of DC’s series, I could propose something like, “Curiosity: Chron’s disease, Can It Be Stopped?” or “Curiosity: Why Men Love Oral Sex.”

But I think I’ll label Job #19 as “Undecided.” I have a vague idea, but I’m not quite there yet. I may need some guidance.



I’ve made it really easy to contact me, and I like hearing from people. So go ahead and do that. Also, as I mentioned, if you want to help me upgrade from packets of ketchup to packets of ramen, there’s a button on the right that will help keep me alive (not that it matters, apparently).

Thank you.


Would You Rather? Pt. 2 (Job #17, #18)

Job #17 – Telemarketer For A Cemetery

A cemetery telemarketer is responsible for calling people to ask if you and your relatives are planning on dying any time soon. If the answer is yes, a cemetery telemarketer can make reservations for a nice spot in the ground.

Job #18 – Gum Buster

A gum buster uses “steaming technology” to remove gum from sidewalks. This gum may be decades old.


I would personally vote for cemetery telemarketer because the absurdity of saying something like, “I’m with the Mortuary, are you interested in 20% off of your next burial?” is too good to pass up.

What do you guys think?

Job #16 – Reese’s Puffs Rap Lyricist

Have you ever been inspired to take your rapping talents to YouTube because of a fill-in-the-blank cereal box rap? Well, DJ Koko Hydden Creek (better known as DJ M. Night Crawler) did just that. Watch and marvel (35 seconds in the masterpiece begins).

Now, there must be an enabler, and that enabler is the cereal box author who puts these genius lines together. Consider this my application for the position:

That peanut butter chocolate makes me want to ________

I want it in my ________ yeah I want it in my ________

That peanut butter chocolate makes my ________ explode!

Shove it in my ________  yeah shove it in my ________

Fill in the blanks! The possibilities are endless!

Blame Mr. Swift For My Absence

Jonathan Swift, that is. My fan sent me an email this morning saying,

“Tom, you normally post something at midnight Pacific Standard Time. What gives?”

My sincerest apologies, but I was busy preparing for a final exam that covers roughly four centuries of literature. I’m not looking for a job today. So, please excuse me while I go the fuck to sleep.

Job #15 – Fake Review Writer

The idea here is pretty clever, albeit unethical: A fake review writer is a person hired by a company, restaurant owner, retail owner – whoever really – to write a glowing review about a product and sometimes also to write negative reviews about the competition. The idea of it is to increase your product’s ratings on certain sites, while slamming the competition.

The problem is, some people are really, really bad at it. For instance:

“Hands down THE BEST Mexican restaurant in the city! Food is phenomenal, decor is great, waitresses are super friendly. I recommend everything on the menu because I’ve tried it all and can personally attest it is all just fantastic. And cheap too!!!”

I’ve been studying the art of the fake review for a whole twelve minutes and what I can tell you is, if you make it sound like it is inevitably going to be immensely pleasurable, you’re not doing it right. Once someone reads the above review and finds that the food actually isn’t that great, you’ll develop a reputation as an undependable clown.

The second rule I’ve learned in the past twelve minutes is, draw on positives and negatives. If you say that nothing needs improvement and everything is perfect (or the exact opposite), it’s a dead giveaway.

What’s interesting though, is that the believability of a review may be detectable even if you are convincing:

“In part, deceptive writers used more verbs than real review writers did, while the real writers used more punctuation than the deceptive writers.”

So, I’d have to make it sound professional, literate, and avoid using multiple exclamation points!!!!! (Among other things).


  • I’ve been known to BS things pretty well.


  • Is this legal?

Chick Magnet Factor

  • Not sure – What is the salary? Do I get paid per review?


  • I’d like to write in some capacity, but I’m not sold that the joy of being a dick would be enough to make the job worthwhile if I’m still ultimately not making much money. I’d much rather write things like this.

What I’ve Learned So Far…

A recent poll revealed that my fan is under the impression that I’d be a hell of a feminine care product script writer. So, I’ll do my best to make my fan proud, even though it’s kind of like being told you’re a great chef and then two seconds later hearing that Denny’s or TGIF is hiring. But, really though, writing my male perspective version was a blast. I hope my fan happens to work for Summer’s Eve.

More recently, I learned that my fan enjoys the idea of me pleasing cows and that if given no other choice, my fan would prefer to deliver frozen man juice to lovely ladies while I do the former. I assumed that’s how it would go because if given the two options I 100% agree – I’d want to do the latter and would embarrass me with the former. So I’ll have to come up with a more perverse “Would You Rather” that pins more even opponents next time.

Lastly, I was away all weekend and I’ve been a little bit lazy with updating parts of the blog. I don’t get paid for this shit, after all. That said, I’ve come across (and likely commented on/followed) a number of great blogs recently, and I’d be more than happy to send two visits a week your way by adding you to the blogroll. So, leave a comment if you want my fan to click on your link twice a week.

Would You Rather?

I love a good poll.

That said, let’s play a little game of Would You Rather? Below are descriptions of Job #13 & #14 on my search: They’re both really dirty and therefore I urge you to vote regarding…

  1. Would You Rather?Which job would you choose if given no other alternative?
  2. What Would You Rather See Me Do?Which job would you force me to do? What would humiliate me most?


Job #13 – Male Specimen Courier

Last night I googled “I need semen delivered to my house” – you know, curiosity. Anyway, what I found was a pretty exciting career.

Basically, an MSC is the 3rd party in a consummation between total strangers. Your job is to find some frozen semen (easy enough), seal it up in presumably some tupperware, and then deliver it to a random woman or couple.

Then, you stand awkwardly in the doorway and hand the lovely lady a turkey baster, along with instructions to defrost. You’ll be an upstanding service-oriented giver of joy.

Job #14 – Livestock Masturbator

Speaking of funky spunk, have you guys ever heard of a Livestock Masturbator?

Basically, this is the fortunate soul responsible for …ahemdoing the dirty work… for an animal. Then it’s strictly procedure – freeze it, store it, defrost it, stick it in ‘ol Bessy.


Now you must vote!