“Are You Going To Become A Teacher?”

Today I woke up around 3pm to a phone call from my good friend over at Goosefired. He asked me if I had any interest in making a quick $25.

I told him that I normally charge more than that for personal favors and besides, my neck is really stiff.

He clarified that all I had to do was help him move a table, which I figured I could get up for.

So I dragged my ass out of bed only to realize how odd it was that three people would be needed to move a table. But ramen money is ramen money, so who am I to complain?

As for the table, I’m convinced it was a good 300 pounds. We had traveled pretty far to a nicer part of the city than a college kid would live, and an old lady was there waiting for us to lift this monstrosity.

Luckily we avoided dropping it or knocking anything over – I’m pretty sure her furniture costs more than my tuition.

What I didn’t avoid was that awkward conversation I always have with people I’m forced to interact with – the “what do you study?” and subsequent, “what in the world are you gonna do with that?” conversation.

So I told the lady (who was sweet enough, mind you) that I’m “working” towards a degree in Creative Writing (or “bullshitting” as I phrase it to most) with a minor in Psychology.

“What are you going to do with a degree in Creative Writing?” she asked with a sympathetic look on her face.

I wanted to tell her that I’d use my degree to get a job writing Hallmark cards but make them really fucked up just to see how people would react. You know, like:

“Happy Birthday – You’re officially one year closer to dying!”

But I just gave her the old shrug instead because I’m not that badass (or stupid).

I knew what was coming next though – a suggestion that I become a teacher. Since Creative Writing majors are essentially English majors with more freedom to act like dicks, it’s widely assumed that we’re all either going to live deep in the woods and write short stories by hand, or become teachers.

My concern is that if the average person automatically concludes that my future is as a teacher and that there really aren’t any alternatives, that’s very limiting. Do employers think that way too?

“Yeah, I could do that.” I said with a forced smile.

It’s not that I don’t admire teachers or have any interest in becoming one – I actually like the idea. The problem is the close-mindedness towards the situation (and the assumption that people actually work in a field related to their degree – 5 in 6 don’t).

But when I think about it, I’m pretty sure that upon first arrival the lady thought I was practically homeless seeing as I was wearing basketball shorts and a very well worn shirt that probably smells of beer. So I suppose her drawing that conclusion is better than the alternative.

Either way, I’ve been able to recite these lines for years now because the conversation is always exactly the same.

Maybe I should try a different approach? At the very least I can add “experience relocating furniture” to my resumé.


Job #12 – Head of Inspiration

The internet must think I’m a crazy dude. Ambiguous job title after perplexing job title keep popping up on google.

I never knew Job #12 existed, but obviously since the internet says it does, it has to be true. So while I find that comforting, I still resent being taken on this roller coaster ride.

Anyhow, my wild guess is that a Head of Inspiration is in charge of inspiring people. Question is who because it directly affects how I inspire.

For instance, if I had the task of inspiring an elementary school kid to do his math homework, I’d say something like:

If you show me you can multiply 6×4 I’ll get you so jacked up on sugar, you’ll be playing Wii all night. (And you’ll have automatically qualified to study mathematics at ASU.)

Or if high school comes calling?

Son, it’s called sparknotes.com. It’s your new best friend. Just try not to quote it directly – a few teachers actually have internet.

Now that I think about it, odds are a Head of Inspiration is most commonly needed in the workplace, because as Office Space said, work sucks. I actually told a close friend of mine how to make it less miserable:

Dude, I know you hate your job. I just feel like your day would go way more smoothly if you snuck a flask in. Tell ’em you have to go take a piss, or wait until the boss isn’t looking, then down it. The other employees sure as hell don’t care – they sympathize.

But I guess you’re more of a vodka guy anyway. So, just slip some into your Red Bull or even into a gatorade bottle – no one will ever know. Plus if it’s Red Bull you’ll be so wired!

…It really wasn’t my fault he got fired. He didn’t get drunk during work, he showed up that way. I actually watched a Law & Order the other day in which a defendant was found not guilty of incitement (with regards to convincing teenagers to murder people, but the point is the same).

So, I’m good then. See the distinction?

…Either way, I think I’m striking out this week. Badly.


Flooding My Inbox

Thank you, Sara, for allowing me to reply to the following email on the blog:

Tom

So I just found your blog recently, but I’m confused. Are you like, actually trying to find one of these jobs? Cuz I don’t think you can actually have elephants for a Carwash, but I don’t really know where you’re from or whatever. I’m pretty sure you’re just joking but if you’re trying to find a legit job you should look for a Starbucks or something. I don’t mean to sound like a bitch or whatever but are you good at anything? If youre in college you have to learn stuff so like, couldn’t you go to a career advisor and take some career tests or something? Good luck in your job search, I’d check craigslist.

-Sara

Sara,

Let me begin by saying what a joy it is to hear from you.

I most certainly am hoping to land one of these jobs. In fact, I spend countless hours researching them not only for your entertainment, but also in hopes that I come across/stumble into a (preferably six figure) fun gig. Sadly, I can’t yet offer advice on how to be moderately successful.

Now, to kill two stones with one bird (I like hypocrisy in clichés) I am both from a place and currently live in a place where elephants don’t tend to roam freely. So, I suppose I would be forced to relocate to work in that field. But yes, the elephant car wash is for real.

In fact, I’ve made numerous calls to the Oregon Wildlife Safari and no one answers the damn phone. Further, I’ve been making phone calls, sending out emails, and even overnighting packages of candy hearts and chocolate flowers to prospective employers – which come to think of it probably makes me seem bipolar and creepy.

As for academics, I am a senior in college, as you may have been able to tell by the title of this blog. Though, as you said, college is intended to help you learn, I find it much easier to sleep through lectures and go on Facebook.

So, since academics are clearly not a selling point, what am I good at? Well, Fantasy Football comes to mind. And sex. In that order. Sadly, it’s difficult to make a living doing the former, especially since fantasy “expert” positions are overpopulated with nerds as it is.

And lastly, thank you for your suggestion regarding Craigslist. For some reason I always find myself wandering through arranged marriages and other miscellaneous gems. Perhaps if I can learn to stay focused I’d have better luck and less nausea.

Thank you for taking the time to write and I hope you find my response helpful.

-Tom

***

Email me at <thefunnyjobsearch@gmail.com> if you want to make my day/get on the blog. That is, unless you’re advertising penis enlargement pills or are attempting to find out where I live.


Job #11 – Wet Leisure Assistant

My Stance: A bunch of slapdicks must have been put in charge of naming professions.

Evidence: Meat Boner, Erection Engineer, and this.

***

“Wet Leisure Assistant” is a euphemism for “lifeguard” – but who would’ve known?

The actual purpose and duties of a wet leisure assistant are so well masked by its name that I was half expecting it to be an obscure sexual fetish found advertised on Craigslist.

In fairness, no one wants to sound mundane, especially not with regards to what they do. Back in elementary school, I thought of hall monitors as “School Security & Safety Attendants Specific To Hallways.” Didn’t you?

We’re trained to do this. If you’ve written a resumé, odds are you’ve transformed something incredibly dull like “filed papers” into something like “overseer of crucial documents.”

It’s just that wet leisure assistant is so absurd it could’ve meant anything. If only it were,

Assisting beautiful women in getting wet. Making sure they don’t choke. Mouth to mouth if necessary.

But instead, it’s more like dealing with kids pissing in the water on a good day and kids getting murdered by sharks as they drown on a bad one.

Moral of the story? Keep it simple.

***

Verdict: Not impressed. I hope my search is helping some of you, at least…


Job #10 – Elephant Car Wash Supervisor

The elephant car wash at the Wildlife Safari in Oregon is one of the best publicity stunts I’ve come across since starting this blog.

Cars would line up in anticipation of being blasted by elephants trained to not only spray water every which way, but also to dry up the water with sponges.

Needless to say, it didn’t work whatsoever in terms of getting the cars clean, but sales increased 28% and the entertainment value seemed to make everyone not sitting in the driver’s seat happy.

Of course, I wouldn’t be telling this story if it didn’t somehow relate to one of my crazy job explorations, so here is where things stand:

I had a meeting with my advisor the other day to ask if the University had a program for training elephants to wash cars, and I was promptly shot down. Disappointed, I decided to do a little research.

So, I visited my new favorite website, Animalschool.net in order to learn more about my options in hopes that one day I can train the elephants and eventually even work my way up to Elephant Car Wash Supervisor.

When you click on the above link, the first thing you’ll see is a blonde woman smiling uncomfortably as a white lion makes strong advances towards her. I’m hooked already. Scroll down a little and there is a link to information about a 14-day program – a program that will “start me in that (animal trainer) direction.” Though I’m skeptical towards all programs with X amount of days, I think I’d like to give it a shot.

The goal, of course, is to learn to train elephants to spray water out of their trunks, as a necessary step towards becoming supervisor (which may or may not be the guy in the white shirt below. He’s actually probably a casualty.)

The short of it is, I need $3,000. If you would like to help send me to Animal Training School, email me at <thefunnyjobsearch@gmail.com> so we can discuss payment options. Thank you all for your help.

I’ll Take This Over A Bikini Car Wash Any Day.

Lastly, I would greatly appreciate you taking part in the following survey so that I can begin narrowing down my job search. Please pick the career you would most like to see me pursue.


Job#9- Script Writer For Summer’s Eve

This hilarious, yet highly offensive video was sent to me by Colin. If you’d like me to post something or write about a potential career path, email me at <thefunnyjobsearch@gmail.com>. Thanks, Colin.

I remembered laughing hysterically at a commercial similar to the one Colin sent me, so I did a little youtubing and found that there are numerous versions in the Summer’s Eve campaign. Among them…

The Dramatic Version:

The “You don’t recognize me, do you? How about now?” Version:

And there’s at least one more, but you get the point.

Colin told me that he learned about the talking V via the Colbert Report, and I’ve also found that it’s been accused of being racially stereotypical, so I’m a tad late with the hype. Nonetheless, what piques my interest is how I can get into it – the script writing, pervs.

I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to write a sample script for Summer’s Eve’s next cutting edge ad campaign, just in case they need a male perspective. Here goes:

Hey ladies, it’s me – Tom!

You don’t recognize me, do you? Well…not many of you do.

How about now?…Still no? Aw, damn.

Did you know that only 30% of women can accurately identify all five areas down under? That’s only 29% more than men. That’s like trying to fly a jet plane and not knowing where the cockpit is! How could you start the engine?!?

So, help out all of mankind by taking the V quiz. Because if men are ever going to understand it, women must figure it out first.

Do you think they’ll see my potential?


Job #8 – Pop Music Ghost Writer

“Thirty-two grams raw, chop it in half, get sixteen, double it times three. We got forty-eight, which mean a whole lot of cream. Divide the profit by four, subtract it by eight. We back to sixteen…”

-Foxy Brown

So, let’s see: 32/2 = 16. Now, double it, even though it defeats the purpose, and we return to 32. Times that by 3 and you get 96, not 48. Yet, if you divide the 96 by 4 and subtract it by 8 we reach our desired number of 16, which only goes to show why they make you show your work on math tests.

“I like them black, white, Puerto Rican, or Haitian. Like Japanese, Chinese, or even Asian.”

-Chingy

Japanese, Chinese and Asian? How diplomatic.

“Lucky that my breasts are small and humble so you don’t confuse them with mountains.”

-Shakira

I also sometimes get confused when I’m flying over the Southwest. I suppose Shakira’s chest is a little more like Kansas now that I think of it.

“My panty line shows/got a run in my nose/my hair went flat/man I hate that”

-Shania Twain

That’s kind of how I feel when I get out of bed, sadly. It’s important to relate to the listener. And that is why I wrote this:

8 pancakes all up in a stack/divide that four times/feed a family of four/but really though two pancakes might not be enough/growing children need 3/so 12 would be better/there might be leftovers/we’re back at 8.

-Tom

I feel that I’m qualified.