Job #1 – Ostrich Babysitter

It is always important to ask, what am I good at?

So, google it.

And when you do, skip to the second result.

• Here is an excerpt from “How To Discover Your Life Purpose In 20 Minutes”  by Steve Pavlina:

1. Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
2. Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
3. Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
4. Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.

Step 5 – Set it and forget it!

OK, so googling “what am I good at” may not yield the best results unless you believe your true calling is a 20 minute exercise or a simple phone call away.

As for the rest of us, perhaps asking “What am I good at?” without the help of google would be a start.

So, what am I good at?

I’m good at doing absolutely nothing. I don’t mean that to say I’m good at absolutely nothing. I’m just well versed in doing absolutely nothing.

And that is why Job #1 on my list of professions I will explore is so damn obvious – an ostrich babysitter does absolutely nothing.

In fear that ostrich babysitters everywhere will act in an uproar because of my accusations, let me clarify: ostrich babysitters do have real actual responsibilities. But they still don’t really do anything, and I believe there is a distinction.

The most trying tasks an ostrich babysitter must perform are to ensure that the ostriches don’t peck the shit out of each other and that they don’t escape.

Oh, and also to make sure they don’t get murdered by a bunch of hungry cheetahs.

I can only assume that much on the job training is involved. Ostriches are known to be pretty aggressive and there’s no way I’m going to put my life at risk until I speak with a professional ostrich babysitter to confirm that all the job actually entails is listening to my IPod. It would also be nice to know that making sure they don’t kill each other does not involve jumping between them.

Pros:

• No degree required.

Cons:

• No degree required. Because of college, I’ve missed far too much quality ostrich time.

Chick Magnet Factor:

• Something tells me ostrich shit is not an aphrodisiac.

Overall:

• Maybe I’m wrong about the chick repellent factor, but that’s a pretty big drawback. Also, the internet and personal experience tell me that ostriches are a bunch of assholes. Yet, considering my affinity for warm climates and my desperation for employment I’ll keep this one in mind.